Guidelines for being in a relationship

From Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Don't assign blame when you're in a conflict

When you confront your partner about something, don't make your partner wrong. Just make statements about what happened and what feelings you're having about it. This takes a lot of discipline.

Don't keep score on your partner

When your partner is confronting you about your behavior, avoid bringing up how your partner did the same thing several times last week. What your partner did last week is not relevant to the conversation this week. The two of you are discussing what you've done this week.

Don't argue perceptions (or facts)

Understand that each partner has perceptions, and your job is to identify your own perception and listen to your partner's perception. We can probably be most respectful of our partner simply by hearing who that person is without judgment or trying to make our partner change his or her reality.

Don't threaten abondonment in the face of conflict

Threatening abandonment is something people often use to alarm their partner when they realize they're not winning. If you find yourself slipping into an argument and the partner is winning, try to avoid saying something like, "I'm going out and I don't know when I'm coming back," or, "Maybe we shouldn't even be in a relationship together."

Communicate in four sentences or less

Before making requests, describing events, or asking for support, think about what you are going to say and try to say it in four sentences and with one breath. In addition, in your four sentences, avoid these common pitfalls: * Try to avoid complaining. * Try to avoid blaming. * Try to eliminate explaining or justifying why you are doing what you are doing.

Don't worry about whether your partner uses these guidelines

These guidelines are for you to follow. Whether your partner is following them or not is none of your business. If you follow them, the changes you will experience will bring you closer to being functional.