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Self Esteem (Value)

What is it?

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

  • Healthy self-esteem is the internal experience of one's own preciousness and value as a person
    • Comes from inside
    • Moves outward into relationships
    • Doesn't change based on behavior or surroundings



What is the issue?

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

  • Codependents have difficulty with self-esteem at one or both extremes
  • Low self-esteem
    • I think I am worth less than others
    • I dont measure up
  • Arrogant
    • I think I am superior to others
    • I have learned to find faults in others, making them inferior to me
  • Both of these types of self-esteem result in what is called "Other-Esteem"
  • I get my value (sense of worth) from external things
    • It is based on my "human doing" or in the opinions and behavior of other people
    • Some examples
    • How I look
    • How much money I make
    • What I know
    • What kind of car I drive
    • What kind of job I have
    • How well my children behave
    • How attractive or powerful my spouse is
    • How well I perform










What does it look like?

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

  • Healthy Self-Esteem
  • Self-Esteem, Reality (Value)
    • I am enough
    • I Matter
    • I am perfectly imperfect
  • Boundaries, Reality, Moderation (Power)
    • I have enough control
    • I can influence my environment
    • I am in control of myself
  • Self-Care (Abundance)
    • I have enough
    • I can survive
    • I have joy in my life
  • Unhealthy Self-Esteem
  • Self-Esteem, Reality (Worthless)
    • Prestige
    • Other-esteem
    • I am never enough
  • Boundaries, Reality, Moderation (Helpless)
    • Power over others
    • Negative control
    • I never have enough control
  • Self-Care (Hopeless)
    • Money and possessions
    • Hoarding
    • I never have enough









Understanding the Drama Triangle

  • The Drama Triangle (The 3 faces of victim)
  • Generates shame
    • through internal interaction or external communication keeps the shame messages going
  • Victim
    • A twisted version of the desire to be innocent and vulnerable
    • Comes from an unconscious need to feel important
    • Becoming helpless
    • Deny their problem-solving abilities and potential for self-generated value
    • Making themselves helpless becomes the primary way of avoiding failure
    • Comes across as less than
    • The Persecutor stage looks like resentment
    • The Rescuer stage is done from a less than position
  • Rescuer
    • A twisted version of the desire to nurture and protect
    • Comes from an unconscious need to feel important
    • Taking care of others is how the Rescuer connects or feels worth
    • Deny their needs
    • Often operates out of the desire to eventually be taken care of
    • Making themselves indispensable becomes a primary way of avoiding abandonment
    • Comes across as better than
    • The Victim stage looks like depression and martyrdom
    • The Persecutor stage look like withdrawing
  • Persecutor
    • A twisted version of the desire to protect and provide
    • Uses anger to hide their feelings of worthlessness
    • Comes from the unconscious need to feel important
    • Blaming others is how the Persecutor feels worth
    • Deny their weaknesses
    • Must be right
    • Making themselves right becomes the primary way of avoiding powerlessness
    • Comes across as better than
    • The Victim stage is used to blame other for the way they act
    • The Rescue stage is also painful and done in anger
  • Rescuer and Persecutor are opposite extremes of victim
  • All roles eventually lead back to victim
  • Many family's only communicate in this way
  • We all have a starting position
  • We can act out this drama triangle in our everyday relations
  • We can act out this drama triangle internally within our thoughts
    • We can trap ourselves with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue







How do I get out of a drama triangle?

  • Become Aware of the drama triangle
  • Take responsibility for myself (own my reality)
  • Allow myself to have my feelings
  • Allow other to have their feelings
  • Be willing to let go of the drama produced
  • Set boundaries

Alternative to the Drama Triangle

From The Power of TED by David Emerald

The Empowerment Dynamic * Generates confidence * through internal interaction or external communication keeps the confidence messages going * Creator * A healthy version of the victim * focuses on what inspires them * outcome-focused and passion-powered * generates forward energy * Challenger * A healthy version of the persecutor * consciously builds others up * focuses on using the circumstances for growth and learning * Coach * A healthy version of the rescuer * sees the internal creator in others * above all remains supportive and encouraging







How do I fix unhealthy self-esteem?

  • Start with Reality
  • Learn what you are responsible for
    • Thoughts
    • Feelings
    • Choices
    • Limits
    • Behavior
  • Contain your Reality with Boundaries
  • Where do my responsibilities end and someone else's start?
  • What limits do I want to place on my thoughts
  • Understand your wants and needs with Self Care
  • Find out what my wants and needs are
  • Find out what wants and needs I want to share with others to allow them to meet those needs
  • Set goals for moderation
  • Look at my Reality and value moderate responses
  • Give myself permission to miss the mark of moderation but ask myself "How do I want to do it different next time?"
  • Look for feelings of self-worth and value generated by the previous steps
  • Validate what you have done and celebrate the little wins along with the big ones
  • Trust the process that as you work on yourself, you will being to see yourself as more and more valuable