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Moderation

Codependency is about

  • Our belief system
    • Our past or history
    • Our present or the filter we view life through
  • Extremes
    • Completely happy – Absolutely miserable
    • Thoroughly enmeshed – Totally detached
    • If you do not agree with me unconditionally, then you are against me entirely
  • Value
    • Who holds my value?

Source of moderation issues

  • Observing and reacting to immoderate caregivers
    • Exhibiting the opposite behavior
    • Do you reflexively react or choose to respond?
  • Feeling invisible
    • Childhood needs were ignored
    • Wants were the focus
    • Extreme behaviors received attention
  • Repetition Compulsion
    • Desire to fix something or master something from our past
  • Value
    • Do we need to check it out?
  • Overwhelm = Moderation issues

Moderation is

  • Balance
    • Let the pendulum swing from one extreme to the other
    • To find the calm in the middle
    • Do not have to do more today than what is reasonable
  • Empathy
    • Having strong internal boundaries
    • Sharing an experience without sharing the feelings
  • Acceptance
    • Moments in time do NOT define us (we are NOT our behavior)
    • Making a mistake is only that (mistakes are normal)
    • Avoid the shame bind
    • Welcome vulnerability causes fear to recede

Moderation and Reality

  • Body
    • How a person dresses or sees themselves
  • Thinking
    • Black or white; right or wrong; good or bad
  • Behavior
    • Extreme behaviors: over the top or absent
  • Feelings
    • Adult Feeling: mature, authentic, emotional response to thoughts
      • Indicates our Reality, Boundaries, Self Care are functioning in a healthy manner
    • Adult-Induced Feeling: the result of empathy
      • Indicates our Reality, Boundaries, Self Care are functioning in a healthy manner
    • Frozen Feelings from Childhood: frozen in moment of time
      • Anger, pain, or fear
      • May respond in ways that are not age appropriate
      • May have minimal emotional response to significant event
    • Adult-to-Child Carried Feelings: starts in childhood and carries into adult life
      • Feel overwhelmed and out of control (Shame)

Love Addiction

  • Takes two
    • The Love Addict
      • Attracted to power and adulation
      • When attention fades, obsesses about - then acts on - how to get it back
      • Repeats cycle
    • The Avoidance Addict
      • Attracted to neediness and vulnerability
      • But then feels smothered by neediness and abandons relationship
      • Repeats cycle: out of fear of abandonment or guilt
    • What if there is only one?
  • Do not replace coping skills with a relationship
  • Do not be so open that you forfeit your ability to sort, filter, or reject
    • Remember true, not true, or questionable (Know YOUR reality)
  • Behaviors to strive for
    • Show up and be present
    • Let go of expectations and honor the power of “no”
  • Healthy intimacy
    • Trust and acceptance of our true selves
  • Love is about knowing someone matters
    • It is free of manipulation