Skills for becoming an adult

From Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud

Re-evaluate Beliefs

We need to re-evaluate what we believe. The time is past for "inherited beliefs"; it is time for an adult faith. We need to look into why we think what we think and why we believe what we believe. Is it because we really believe it, or because someone told us to believe it?

Disagree with authority figures

Be honest about your disagreements with others. Allow yourself freedom of thought, and do not call yourself "bad" for your opinions. No one is right about everything, and we all go through periods of reshaping what we think on any topic. Speak your options, and listen to the criticism. Speaking out may help you shape your views, or you may help shape others' views. Critique others' thoughts as well. Disagreement is healthy, and "iron sharpens iron"

See parents and authority figures realistically

Knock parents and other authority figures off the pedistal you've put them on. See their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Confess the sins of your fathers and then forgive them. Disagree with bad patterns, call them sin, and be different from the generations that went before.

Make your own decisions

You are an adult; learn to think and act for yourself

Practice disagreeing

Be aware of the times when someone is parenting you, and say what you are thinking. You do not have to be mean or even confrontational. Just say, "Well, I see your point, but I look at it differently, I think..."

Deal with your sexuality

Work on reeducating yourself about the beauty of sex; desensitize yourself to the "no-no" attitude you have toward it. If you feel ashamed, you may still be in a preadolescent stage regarding sex.

Give yourself permission to be equal with your parents

Many authority problems have as their kernel the inability to assume the role held by the same- sex parent. You either dislike the way this parent functioned in the role, or you are afraid of taking the role over. In either instance, this is the role you were born to assume, the adult role of your gender. Look at the ways that your parents fulfilled this role. Appreciate where your parents succeeded, and choose other role models for where he or she failed. This will help your transition from child to adult.

Recognize and purse talents

To become and adult requires that you own and recognize the talents and gifts God has given you. To develop your expertise, you must take the talents God has given you, and do something.

Practice

You can't learn to be an authority and have expertise in any area if you don't have the freedom to practice and learn. Give yourself permission to fail. No one ever became an expert in any area without trial and error.

Recognize the privileges of adulthood

When people realize how much freedom their child position is costing them - freedom to develop as God intended without approval from other adults - the one down position starts to look like prison. Remaining in a child position is safe because others do all the thinking for you; all you have to do is lose your self-respect. Adults have freedom to choose their own talents, values, beliefs, and relationship with God, tastes, friends, and church. They also can express God-given aspects of themselves, such as feelings and sexuality without inhibition and fear, or need for approval from anyone else. They can be themselves.

Discipline yourself

Adults discipline themselves. If you lacked discipline when growing up, you may need to learn discipline now. Get a friend to hold you accountable in this area; agree on something you are going to be disciplined to do, and have some built-in consequences if you don't.

Submit to others out of freedom

An important aspect of becoming an adult is to learn to submit to others in love, without an authority conflict. This includes government, spouses, friends, evil people, bosses, and God. When we submit in love, we are displaying our freedom; if we submit out of compliance, it is not true submission. It's slavery. Submitting to others as God has ordained is identity affirming

Do good works

You have some expertise, and using it for good works will help you realize your adulthood.

Become a "Pharisee Buster"

We all have remnants of legalistic thinking and remain under the tutor of paternal approval. Try to find ways you may still be operating under the old system of gaining approval in order to be okay. Look for legalism that has crept into your faith and ways that you are being "made for the Sabbath". Let go of the ways you are trying to earn approval; they can only eat away at your soul.

Appreciate mystery and the unknown

One of the hallmarks of people with authority problems is their inability to tolerate mystery and the unknown. They need an answer for everything, and everything has to be wrapped up in neat little packages. Jesus kept trying to shake the Pharisees out of this rigidity.

Love and appreciate people who are different

People often see other people as not as good because they are still trying to be the better child. When you can appreciate other people who are different from you, you have stopped sibling rivalry - the childhood battle of trying to assume an equal stance with your adult brother and sister.