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Wants and Needs (Self Care)

What are they?

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

  • Needs are defined as the basic needs that are required to survive
    • All people have dependency needs
    • Adults are responsible for knowing how to address each need
    • Some needs like physical nurturing or emotional nurturing can only be met through interaction with another person
  • Wants are the preferences, items or goals we look to include in our life
    • Some wants are large and shape many life choices and direction
    • "I want to be married to this person"
    • "I want to have a child"
    • "I want to be a doctor"
    • Some wants are small and make up a few choices and express our preference
    • "I want Mexican food tonight"
    • "I want to sit down"
  • Wants and needs become apparent as we bring our Reality and Boundaries into Relationships



What is the issue?

  • Codependents have difficulty meetings their own wants and needs
  • This can become evident in some different ways
  • Too Dependent
    • I am aware of my needs and wants, but I expect other people to take care of them for me.
  • Anti Dependent
    • I am aware of my needs and wants, but I am unwilling to accept help meeting them from anyone else.
  • Wantless and Needless
    • I am not aware of my needs and wants
    • I get my wants and needs confused

What does it look like?

  • Sharing our Reality and Boundaries in a relationship allows us to connect with the other person, which is a innate need we all have
  • There are three ways that sharing of our Reality and Boundaries can look

  • Interdependent



    • Two overlapping circles
    • Each circle has portions that are seperate
    • Each circle has portions that are overlapping
    • Allows both people to have their own sense of self (Reality)
    • Allows both people to understand they are seperate from the other (Boundaries)
    • Allows both people to share their choosen wants and needs with another (Connection)

  • Anti-Dependent



    • Two seperate circles
    • Each circle is completely seperate
    • Allows both people to have their own sense of self (Reality)
    • Allows both people to understand they are seperate from the other (Boundaries)
    • Does not allow both people to share their choosen wants and needs with another (Connection)

  • Enmeshed



    • One oval
    • There is no clear definition of where one circle stops and another begins
    • Does not allow both people to have their own sense of self (Reality)
    • Does not allow both people to understand they are seperate from the other (Boundaries)
    • Does not allow both people to share their choosen wants and needs with another (Connection)

Skills for developing our Wants and Needs

  • Work on your vulnerability
  • Decide if the person is safe
  • Decide what wants and needs you are willing to share with them
  • Be willing to feel the fear when sharing those wants and needs you choose to share
  • Work on trusting yourself to handle what the other person does with your shared reality



  • Work on independence
  • Decide what wants and needs you feel you are responsible for meeting
  • Ask for help identifying what items you can meet yourself
  • Start taking steps to meet those wants and needs yourself



  • Work on understanding your wants and needs
  • Work on developing your Reality and Boundaries
    • This will naturally start to develop your sense of your own wants and needs
  • Practice deciding what your wants are in low pressure situations
  • Begin to express the wants and needs you are willing to share
  • Understand the other person may not be used to hearing your wants and needs