What Are Boundaries?

When we think of relationships, we think of love. When we think of boundaries, we think of limits. Boundaries give us a sense of what is part of us and what is not a part of us, what we will allow and what we won't, what we will choose to do and what we will choose not to do.

Boundary systems (according to Pia Mellody in her book Facing Codependense) are invisible and symbolic "fences" that have three purposes: (1) to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us, (2) to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them and (3) to give each of us a way to embody our sense of "who we are". Boundary systems have two parts: external and internal

Our external boundary allows us to choose our distance from other people and enables us to give or refuse permission for them to touch us. Our external boundary also keeps our bodies from offending someone else's body. The external boundary is divided into two parts: physical and sexual. The physical part of our external boundary controls how close we let people come to us and whether they can touch us or not. Also, if we have intact external boundaries, we know to ask permisssion to touch other people and we are careful not to stand too close to them for their comfort. In a similar way, our sexual boundary controls sexual distanct and touch

Our internal boundary protects our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keeps them functional. When we are using our internal boundary, we can take responsibility for our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keep them separate from that of others, and stop blaming them for what we think, feel and do. Our internal boundary also allows us to stop taking responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of others, allowing us to stop manipulating and controlling those around us.