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Boundaries



What are they?

  • Symbolic "fences" that protect our value
    • Keep others from coming into our space
    • Keep us from going into another's space
  • Contain our reality (thoughts, feelings, choices, limits, behaviors) - our sense of who we are



Two components

External

External boundaries keep our physical body separate * Allows us to choose the distance we want between ourselves and others and whether or not we allow someone to touch us * This also includes sexual boundaries for distance and touch

Internal

Internal boundaries protect our reality (thoughts, feelings, choices, limits, behaviors) * Take responsibility for our reality versus blaming others * Releasing the responsibility of the reality of others * Refrain from negative control, projection, and manipulation



Myths about boundaries

  • I am being selfish or disobedient (feelings of guilt or shame)
  • I will hurt others or be hurt by others
  • They are permanent


Boundary violations

  • Resentment: always is a boundary issue

External

  • Getting into a person's space or personal belongings (unwanted touch, going through personal drawers/closet, checking a phone or purse/wallet)
  • Listening to a conversation without permission

Internal

  • Yelling, name calling, ridiculing
  • Shaming or patronizing (devaluing of any form)
  • Negative Control: telling someone how they should feel, think, or act


Boundaries are personal

Each person's boundaries will look different from others * What hurts? (how do you stop the pain?) * What feels good? (pursuing joy) * What is mine? (knowing your reality) * What am I willing to lose or give up?


Barriers to boundaries

  • Our Belief System (history and distorted thinking)
  • Enabling: destructive form of helping
    • We attach ourselves to another's need for us
    • This builds resentment and we feel used or sorry for ourselves
  • Enmeshed: overly involved in another
    • Excessively worry about another's problems
    • Become dependent on those around us which causes us to detach from ourselves


When we don't have boundaries

  • We have defense mechanisms
    • Avoidance
    • Procrastination
    • Self-sabotage
    • Drama


Setting boundaries

  • Realization of our own person apart from others (knowing our reality)
  • Separation of identity: allows for "I" "me" and "self"
    • Gain self-awareness
    • Define your reality
  • Saying "no"
    • Set limits
    • Practice self-control
    • Create goals and pursue with continued patience
  • Putting boundaries into words
    • I would like to revisit this later when the energy has dissipated
    • I hear that you think I am [insert negative stuff]. I would like to think about this because I'm not sure what to do with it


Boundaries and relationships

  • We are RESPONSIBLE for knowing the impact of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on another
    • Be sensitive but do not control
  • When impacted or pressured by others, it is our responsibility to manage our reactions
    • Let go of the expectation
    • Communicate
  • We DECIDE to adjust or relinquish something
    • We do not mindlessly lose our reality to another
  • Openness (being vulnerable) and having boundaries leads to connection and intimacy

Boundary Sketches

Healthy boundaries

Healthy boundaries are like a house with a door with a doorknob on the inside only seperating us from others * We choose when to open the door and let someone in * Allows for connection * We choose when to leave the door closed * Protects us from others * Protects others from us

No boundaries

No boundaries are like having nothing seperating us from others * We do not know when we are being abused or abusing others * Difficult to say "no" * Can be easily taken advantage of

Partial boundaries

Partial boundaries are like having gaps in your "wall" that seperates us from others * At certain times and/or with certain people can set limits and protect oneself * At other times and/or with other people may abuse or be abused

Walls

Wall are like having a brick wall with no door isolating us from others * Give solid protection but do not allow for connection at any level causing more isolation * People may move from one kind of wall to another * Anger - message of an erupting volcano * Fear - retreat from others to keep safe * Silence - emotions are turned off; "the silent treatment" * Words - talks over people; oblivious to contribution of others

References

  • Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody*
  • Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud*
  • Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend*
  • Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie*
  • Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb*