How To Handle Anger

From Good 'n' Angry: How to Handle Your Anger Positively by Les Carter

There is no one correct way to handle anger. Obviously, the circumstances are going to have an influence on how one chooses to deal with anger. There are three general styles in which people can handle anger:

1. Repressed Anger

Many people are afraid of anger and try to avoid it at all costs. When the emotion surfaces, they do their best to pretend it is not there. Their reasoning (conscious or subconscious) is that if one ignores anger, it will go away. Most of these people either have been taught openly to avoid anger or have learned through bitter experience how painful anger can be.

Repression is a form of denial. If a person denies that he is angry, then he feels no obligation to deal with his anger. The problem is solved (temporarily). Repression may have its short-term rewards, but in the long run repressed anger is usually especially powerful and bitter. By repressing it, a person is pushing anger from the conscious to the subconscious. There it can fester and worsen without that person’s knowledge. 2. Expressed Anger

As a culture, Americans are quickly losing any sense of bashfulness. The prevailing mood is that if you have been offended, get angry! Certainly, we are in a period where it is acceptable, even fashionable, to “let it all hang out.” Anger can be assertive, or it can be aggressive. Assertive anger means that people stand up for their convictions in a manner that respects another’s dignity. Aggressive anger may also be stated firmly, but without true regard for the other person’s worth. Therefore, when people express anger, that expression may be correct or incorrect, depending on the level of sensitivity to others. Nonetheless, expressed anger is anger that is communicated outwardly.

Certain guidelines should be followed to make sure that expressed anger works for us instead of against us.

• Be sure that when you express anger you do not attempt to establish your own sense of superiority. This could cause the recipient of your anger to harbor resentment.
• Make sure your anger has a constructive aim. Anger expressed for the sake of meanness is just going to create an atmosphere that will breed more anger.
• Be aware of the responsiveness of the recipient. Make sure the other party is ready to hear what you have to say.

• Consider the feelings and circumstances of the recipient. There will be times when your anger may be completely correct, but you will not be able to communicate it constructively due to the mind-set of the other person.

• Released Anger

Released anger refers to anger that is dismissed or let go. It is not to be confused with repressed anger. Repressed anger is simply pushed into the subconscious mind. But when anger is released, the person has made the conscious decision that anger is no longer needed and it is therefore dropped. People can gain the ability to release anger only after they first gain some mastery of the art of expressing anger. After anger has served its purpose (or if one sees that it has no good purpose) the mature individual will have enough sense to let go of it.

Understanding the three general ways of handling anger makes it possible for you to examine your patterns of dealing with anger. Certainly, it is not always best to express anger. There are times when that would do more harm than good. It definitely is not best to try to repress anger so that it is merely out of the conscious mind. And there are times when it is right and times when it is wrong to release it. We each need to come up with our own personalized game plan for how we will handle anger. The better control we have over it, the more anger will work in our favor.