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Healing Wounds Of Shame

From Letting Go of Shame by Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron

Understanding Phase

  1. Be Patient - shame heals slowly
  2. Shame is about a person’s identity as a human being. Since the wounds from shame are frequently deep and long lasting, it will take a while to feel better.
  3. Become fully aware of your shame.
  4. Shame is not easy to face. After all, who wants to study exactly how one holds oneself in contempt?...We will have to examine our shame even though our natural impulse is to hide from it.
  5. Notice your defenses against shame.
  6. Shamed people often develop survival strategies that lessen their awareness of shame. These defenses minimize immediate pain at the cost of ignoring reality. Common defenses against shame are: denial, rage, perfectionism, arrogance, and exhibitionism.
  7. Investigate the sources of your shame.
  8. Shame has many sources:
    • our genetic and biological composition
    • our families of origin
    • society’s expectations and demands
    • current relationships
    • ourselves
  9. It is valuable to sort through these because each leads to different healing strategies.
  10. Accept your shame as part of the human condition.
  11. The understanding part of resolving shame ends when we accept ourselves as human beings who occasionally feel ashamed. Our shame won’t go away by our fearing, hating, and fighting it. In fact, it could even grow stronger if we fight it.

Action Phase

  1. Get some help - you don’t have to do this alone.
  2. Isolation is a common reaction to feelings of shame. The more deeply a person is shamed, the more she will tend to hide her thoughts, feelings, and actions from others....In general, damage from shame begins to heal when that shame is exposed to others in a safe environment.
  3. Challenge the shame.
  4. The message that challenges shame will be different for each of us, but its general form is this: I respect and appreciate the shame inside me, even though it often brings me pain. I know that shame is part of me. But I also am a person who has the right to feel good about myself. I have value as a human being. I deserve to be treated with respect, honor, and dignity by the people around me and by myself. I will no longer live a life centered on my shame.
  5. Set positive goals based on humanity, humility, autonomy, and competence.
  6. Everyone belongs to the human race. There are no exceptions. All human beings are equal - no person is better or worse than another. Each of us has the right and responsibility to decide how to live our lives. Every person is good enough to contribute some value to the world.
  7. Take mental and physical action toward these goals.
  8. We begin recovering from our shame when we decide we want to live by these principles. We ask ourselves how we can change our thoughts and behaviors so we can eventually feel more human, humble, autonomous, and competent.
  9. Review your progress regularly
  10. Be patient with your shame but don’t forget about it. Deeply ingrained shame habits are hard to break, and they could sneak back into your life. That is why regular review sessions are helpful. Remember that shame often heals better in the company of others.