Skip to content

Feelings

What generates them?

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

  • The four areas of REALITY
    • BODY:
    • Our five senses bring input from outer world to our inner world
    • THINKING:
    • We interpret, draw conclusions, and give meaning to the sensory input
    • FEELING:
    • Physiological response to our thoughts (also called emotions)
    • Uses up energy in our body
    • BEHAVIOR:
    • What we choose to do (or not do) as a result of our feelings
  • Our belief system (based on our history and values) affects the way we think, feel, and behave
  • How we process our thoughts impacts where our feelings go (positive or negative) & intensity of them
  • What we feel is what we feel
  • We cannot change our feelings
  • We can change our thoughts
  • We learn to acknowledge it so we can process it
  • Denied feelings are a trigger for inappropriate behavior
  • Unprocessed feelings are stored in our bodies, they dont just dissapear because we choose not to process them



Tools for Feelings

  • Allow yourself to feel them
  • Let them be as big (or little) and overwhelming/confusing (ugly) as they really are
  • Find the truth
  • What/who is the source (external or internal)?
  • Is there an event that triggered it?
  • Use the True – Not True – Questionable Tool to separate the feelings from the thoughts
  • Talk them out with a safe person
  • Purge them
  • Journal? Art?
  • Physical: clean the house, beat up a pillow, break dishes, throw darts at a picture
  • Express them in a way that does not harm you, others, or valuable property

Automatic Negative Thoughts

from Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Daniel Amen

  • Negative thoughts invade your mind like ants at a picnic
  • When you notice an ANT enter your mind, acknowledge it and talk back to it
  • When you hear yourself talk use an ANT, stop and correct yourself
  • All or Nothing
  • Everything is all good or all bad; same as black and white thinking
  • One event/moment doesn’t define the entirety
  • Always Thinking
  • Overgeneralize: using words like “always” or ”never”
  • Helplessness that you do not have control over your behavior/self
  • Focusing on the Negative
  • Only see the negative aspect of a situation regardless of the positives
  • Hopelessness or wanting to “give up”
  • Thinking with your Feelings
  • Assuming our feeling is correct versus questioning it; feelings can lie
  • Use the True – Not True – Questionable Tool
  • Guilt Beating
  • Using guilt to control our behavior or using negative control on others
  • When we feel pushed to do something, our natural tendency is to push back
  • Labeling
  • Calling yourself (or another) a negative term or name
  • Worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness; giving up before trying
  • Fortune-Telling (RED ANT)
  • Predicting the worse even though you don’t know what will happen
  • Mind Reading (RED ANT)
  • Assuming you know what another is thinking
  • Blame (RED ANT)
  • Blaming others and not taking responsibility for ourselves
  • Powerless to change our own behavior

Feelings Chart

From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller

Feeling (Reality) Gift
(Our Feelings)
Challenge
(Induced or Carried Feelings)
Joy Hope / Peace
Pain Change / Healing Hopelessness / Depression
Anger Energy / Power Rage / Devalue
Fear Protection / Wisdom Panic / Paranoia / Helplessness
Guilt Values / Integrity False Guilt / Prolonged Guilt
Shame Accountability / Fallibility (Limits) Carried Shame / Shame Bound

Pain

from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

  • Many sources of pain: history, current events, transitions or “life events”
  • Our choice to
  • Let pain lead and guide us to a positive outcome (healthy choices/behaviors)
  • Stop or avoid pain (addictions, focus on others, denial/repression)
  • Takes courage to stay still and feel - it will only hurt for awhile and then it will heal
  • Can be confused with Anger

Anger

from Good ‘n’ Angry: How to Handle Your Anger Positively by Les Carter

  • Three general ways people handle anger
  • Repressed (denial)
  • If I ignore it, it will go away
  • Pushing from conscious to subconscious leads to it worsening
  • Expressed (outwardly communicated)
  • Assertive: respects the dignity/value of another
  • Aggressive: without regard for other person’s worth/value
  • Released (let it go)
  • Making the conscious decision that anger is no longer needed
  • Must first be able to assertively express anger
  • Can be confused with Pain

Fear

from Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers

  • Fear is a part of life
  • Wings: It can be a companion on this journey of life and we take flight
  • Anchor: It can become an anchor and we become frozen (in fear)
  • By confronting a situation or “doing something”
  • Fear gradually decreases
  • Self-confidence and self-worth increase
  • Fear does not equal isolation
  • Fearing fear is worse than facing fear (helplessness)



Guilt

from Mind Over Emotions by Les Carter

  • Communicates that something is amiss in our thinking and behavior
  • True Guilt
  • Inner voice to live a moral, responsible life
  • False Guilt
  • Feeling of remorse that is judgmental toward oneself
  • Decreases value/self-worth and increases fear of being “found out” and punished
  • Creates a sense of isolation
  • Usually is accompanied by Shame



Shame

from Letting Go of Shame by Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron

  • Represents a person’s identity
  • Defense mechanisms: denial, perfectionism, arrogance, exhibitionism, rage
  • Become aware of your shame and examine it even though we want to hide from it
  • Where does your shame come from? (society, family, significant other, yourself)
  • Shame heals when shared with another
  • Set positive goals and take responsibility for reformating your thoughts and changing your behaviors
  • Usually is accompanied by Guilt