Feelings
What generates them?
From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller
- The four areas of REALITY
- BODY:
- Our five senses bring input from outer world to our inner world
- THINKING:
- We interpret, draw conclusions, and give meaning to the sensory input
- FEELING:
- Physiological response to our thoughts (also called emotions)
- Uses up energy in our body
- BEHAVIOR:
- What we choose to do (or not do) as a result of our feelings
- Our belief system (based on our history and values) affects the way we think, feel, and behave
- How we process our thoughts impacts where our feelings go (positive or negative) & intensity of them
- What we feel is what we feel
- We cannot change our feelings
- We can change our thoughts
- We learn to acknowledge it so we can process it
- Denied feelings are a trigger for inappropriate behavior
- Unprocessed feelings are stored in our bodies, they dont just dissapear because we choose not to process them
Tools for Feelings
- Allow yourself to feel them
- Let them be as big (or little) and overwhelming/confusing (ugly) as they really are
- Find the truth
- What/who is the source (external or internal)?
- Is there an event that triggered it?
- Use the True – Not True – Questionable Tool to separate the feelings from the thoughts
- Talk them out with a safe person
- Purge them
- Journal? Art?
- Physical: clean the house, beat up a pillow, break dishes, throw darts at a picture
- Express them in a way that does not harm you, others, or valuable property
Automatic Negative Thoughts
from Change Your Brain Change Your Life by Daniel Amen
- Negative thoughts invade your mind like ants at a picnic
- When you notice an ANT enter your mind, acknowledge it and talk back to it
- When you hear yourself talk use an ANT, stop and correct yourself
- All or Nothing
- Everything is all good or all bad; same as black and white thinking
- One event/moment doesn’t define the entirety
- Always Thinking
- Overgeneralize: using words like “always” or ”never”
- Helplessness that you do not have control over your behavior/self
- Focusing on the Negative
- Only see the negative aspect of a situation regardless of the positives
- Hopelessness or wanting to “give up”
- Thinking with your Feelings
- Assuming our feeling is correct versus questioning it; feelings can lie
- Use the True – Not True – Questionable Tool
- Guilt Beating
- Using guilt to control our behavior or using negative control on others
- When we feel pushed to do something, our natural tendency is to push back
- Labeling
- Calling yourself (or another) a negative term or name
- Worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness; giving up before trying
- Fortune-Telling (RED ANT)
- Predicting the worse even though you don’t know what will happen
- Mind Reading (RED ANT)
- Assuming you know what another is thinking
- Blame (RED ANT)
- Blaming others and not taking responsibility for ourselves
- Powerless to change our own behavior
Feelings Chart
From Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, Andrea Miller, & J. Keith Miller
Feeling (Reality) | Gift (Our Feelings) |
Challenge (Induced or Carried Feelings) |
---|---|---|
Joy | Hope / Peace | |
Pain | Change / Healing | Hopelessness / Depression |
Anger | Energy / Power | Rage / Devalue |
Fear | Protection / Wisdom | Panic / Paranoia / Helplessness |
Guilt | Values / Integrity | False Guilt / Prolonged Guilt |
Shame | Accountability / Fallibility (Limits) | Carried Shame / Shame Bound |
Pain
from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
- Many sources of pain: history, current events, transitions or “life events”
- Our choice to
- Let pain lead and guide us to a positive outcome (healthy choices/behaviors)
- Stop or avoid pain (addictions, focus on others, denial/repression)
- Takes courage to stay still and feel - it will only hurt for awhile and then it will heal
- Can be confused with Anger
Anger
from Good ‘n’ Angry: How to Handle Your Anger Positively by Les Carter
- Three general ways people handle anger
- Repressed (denial)
- If I ignore it, it will go away
- Pushing from conscious to subconscious leads to it worsening
- Expressed (outwardly communicated)
- Assertive: respects the dignity/value of another
- Aggressive: without regard for other person’s worth/value
- Released (let it go)
- Making the conscious decision that anger is no longer needed
- Must first be able to assertively express anger
- Can be confused with Pain
Fear
from Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
- Fear is a part of life
- Wings: It can be a companion on this journey of life and we take flight
- Anchor: It can become an anchor and we become frozen (in fear)
- By confronting a situation or “doing something”
- Fear gradually decreases
- Self-confidence and self-worth increase
- Fear does not equal isolation
- Fearing fear is worse than facing fear (helplessness)
Guilt
from Mind Over Emotions by Les Carter
- Communicates that something is amiss in our thinking and behavior
- True Guilt
- Inner voice to live a moral, responsible life
- False Guilt
- Feeling of remorse that is judgmental toward oneself
- Decreases value/self-worth and increases fear of being “found out” and punished
- Creates a sense of isolation
- Usually is accompanied by Shame
Shame
from Letting Go of Shame by Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron
- Represents a person’s identity
- Defense mechanisms: denial, perfectionism, arrogance, exhibitionism, rage
- Become aware of your shame and examine it even though we want to hide from it
- Where does your shame come from? (society, family, significant other, yourself)
- Shame heals when shared with another
- Set positive goals and take responsibility for reformating your thoughts and changing your behaviors
- Usually is accompanied by Guilt